absolute truth - part two and three

did you read my previous remarks on this subject? (part one)

part two is actually covered by some remarks i made the other night here : People who want to appeal to "absolute truth" (or just Truth, with a capital T) might consider the comparative benefits of pursuing the value of Openness - which I have provisionally defined as my commitment to always ensure (to the best of my ability) that there is space for people around me to speak. While Absolute Truth is proving to be hard to nail down, Growing Awareness is a spiritual discipline that might produce surprisingly good results for people longing after Truth...

ok, so part three...

Elaine is thrilled that she's got her body back. Being pregnant takes over your whole body. It's an amazing process and all, but it's also the most overwhelming alien invasion... A women's body, especially in the last few weeks, is just not her own... So, after courageously giving birth to our daughter, one can't blame her for feeling happy to have her body back!

But this morning she mentioned to me that for a moment she missed being pregnant! She said it felt strange feeling that emotion - such a strange contradiction of her other feeling of being glad it's all over...

My reason for telling you about this (and breaking my wife's strict no-personal-stuff-on-the-blog-or-in-sermons rule) is that it wonderfully illustrates something about human identity. Those who build their understanding of reality on "Absolutes" usually assume that every person has a True, Essential self. it might be hidden under some layers, but if you dig deep enough, there you will find your true self. presumably, there will be no contradictions or paradoxes there. Your True self is clear about what she wants, who she is, why she exists, etc. So, the argument goes, if you're feeling confused, caught between two rival feelings, ask your True Self which of the feelings is most True...

I grew up taking this "Essentialist" view of reality for granted. More recently I encountered other ways of viewing reality. A non-essentialist view of human identity suggests that there isn't one "thing" that defines you. You are a composite creature with many identities... Take me for example: I am Barry, minister, father, husband, man, child, son, rascal, rebel, friend, etc. - and those are just some of the nicer words that try to describe me. The more I reflect on this whole question of "Who am I?" (which is a common pop-psychology question - needs to be followed by a rub of the chin, a meaningful sigh and a "Hmmmmm... interesting!") the more i become convinced that this is essentialism trying to limit identity to a True Self, which I am not sure exists.

The reason I like the alternative view is the space it gives for the tensions of being human. I can feel happy and sad and not have to feel that the tension must be quickly resolved for fear of being regarded as "confused" - or even worse "irrational". The complexities of life are just far better appreciated if I am able to view life - and people - with a Curiosity that asks questions about the complexity rather than with a Judgement that asks "but what do you REALLY want?" or "but who are you REALLY?" or "What is REALLY best for you?"...

So, Elaine is happy to have her body back. and... sad that she's not pregnant anymore - a little bit of grieving the loss of the incredibly intimate connection of a baby in the womb... Hmmmm, interesting!

distinction?

I've been following a discussion about a how three influential leaders of a ministry called "Exodus" - which was committed to helping Gay and Lesbain people "come out" of a homosexual lifestyle - have publically withdrawn from the work, stating that they no longer believe that it is healthy to try to change people's sexual orientation... If you're interested in reading further: go here

One of the common arguments amongst Christians who have accepted that Gay and Lesbian people really do have a different sexual orientation is the "Love the sinner, Hate the sin" position. (other's take the position that there is no such thing as a homosexual orientation - otherwise you have to explain why God would have created people like that!)

But I'm wondering how I can separate “homosexual orientation” from “homosexual activity”? i mean, what is a sexual orientation if it’s not (at some point) going to be acted upon?

why would God give us a sexual orientation if we aren’t going to express ourselves in loving, respectful, passionate, faithful ways?

i try (as a straight man) to imagine being told: “it’s really ok that you are attracted to women. Don’t feel judged about that. it’s not a sin. just don’t think too much about touching a woman - under any circumstances. no amount of love, tenderness, faithfulness will make THAT ok…”

I'm trying to imagine how i’d respond…

i can’t imagine it would be pretty. no wonder there’s so much anger expressed by gay and lesbian lobby groups. they’re incredulous, and understandably so. i’d be, if the tables were turned. the more impressive thing is that the majority of Gay and Lesbian (GLBTI) groups aren’t militant. their graciousness is notable.

maybe that’s why the ex-Exodus leaders got out - perhaps they just couldn’t live with the distinction “love the sinner, hate the sin” any longer.

did it just stop sounding credible?

friend or foe?

have you noticed how powerful Silence can be. I'm still not sure if he/she is a friend or foe! Silence creates space and makes room for rest and re-creation. but Silence is also a sneaky accomplice to heinous crimes of the worst kind...

my life if full of words - and speaking. sometimes i think i'm paid to speak. and sometimes i think I'm jsut plain full of myself "and love the sound of my own voice". either way, Silence is the best medicine. She allows me to retreat to a place of solitude where I am able to rest and be restored in the Values that I have confidence in. She is gracious and gentle - imagine, not having to say anything! What a relief when so much of my life is judged by what I say and how convincing I sound and how entertaining i am... etc...

but Silence has a dark side. I know of many people who are in unsafe relationships but feel trapped - fearful of the consequences of breaking the silence and speaking about what is happening. The story goes something like this: something aweful happens. sometimes the perpetrator impresses on weaker victim the consequences of telling. Silence becomes accomplice... aided by Fear. sometimes the victim chooses Silence because of a twisted guilt - blaming themselves - or because of the shame associated with telling the story. Even if the perpetrator regrets their actions, Silence makes it possible for a repeat of the aweful thing, or worse. But many perpetrators do not regret. They are actually masters at employing Silence to ensure that their behaviour is not detected, and can carry on unabated.

People are left trapped in abusive homes. Families live with aweful secrets. Partners live in fear, in a downward spiral with no hope of a way out. And Silence is the fence-sitter, never lifting a hand to intervene, harming lives not by his actions and choices but by his lack of action.

There's a saying that I like because it conveys hope: "the truth will out" I'm a little less hopeful about the "truth" coming out these days. seems there is always another side to every story, which makes me reluctant to judge and cautious about anyone claiming to have "the truth".

But perhaps there's another Value (other than Truth) that can guide me here. I'm still not sure what word to use to it.

As I reflect on the power of Silence - and specifically the harmful potential that it has - i feel motivated to always ensure (to the best of my ability) that there is space for people around me to speak. the only way of counteracting the harmful potential of Silence may be to remain committed to an openness in relationships that creates space for people to speak their thoughts and feelings without fear. I'm sure that this is an important value for home life and intimate relationships. I'm also convinced that this is an important value in the work-place, especially for people in positions of authority in the work-place.

I try to read the Mail&Guardian newspaper on a regular basis. One of the things I love about the newspaper is the fact that almost on any given Friday, you will find a letter containing quite harsh criticism of the M&G, published in their letters column. I also enjoy their common practice of allowing the "right of reply" to anyone who has received critical report. And occassionally when there is a difficuly issue being discussed, two reporters will write editorial comment from opposing views. We so desperately need to encourage open conversation, that includes criticism and challenge. And for the this quality of Conversation to flourish WE need to embrace the value - we need to be willing to listen to criticism (not just be keen to give it.)

so, finally, a question: what do you think your partner/spouse/best friend is afraid to speak to you about?

lessons from a boy

Last night Ruben and I were playing around the house while we were waiting for the braai-fire to be ready.  We found a balloon and began kicking it around the house.  I thought of a great game.  I suggested we start at the one end of the kitchen and then kick the balloon and see how many kicks it required to get it to hit the Kitchen door.

 

I started:  one, two, THREE!!!!!  I took three kicks to get the balloon across the kitchen. 

 

Then it was Ruben’s turn.  He got himself into position and then ran up and kicked the balloon.  But he didn’t stop running.  He continued to run after the balloon, kicking it again before it had stopped moving… (clearly against the rules of the game!!!)  He kicked/shepherded the balloon across the kitchen whilst shouting ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR-FIVE-NINE!!!!!  By this stage he had lost control of the balloon and had run past it.  He turned around and began kicking it back towards me.  Clearly he hadn’t understood the important goal of the game: getting the balloon to hit the kitchen door.

 

I tried again: put the balloon down for him, explained the purpose and goals of the game.  Reminded him that the previous World Record was just 3 kicks – set by me just a few moments earlier…  but things went pretty similarly to his first attempt.  ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR-FIVE-ELEVEN-EIGHT-NINE…

 

He was loving his game of kicking the balloon. Just Kicking, because it was Fun.  

 

Seems he hasn’t quite grasped the incredible importance of goals in life yet…  but I’m sure with enough pressure, constant encouragement and a lot of coaching he’ll turn out properly goal-oriented like me!

finding a voice

i have been thinking lately about how little we really actually change. I began writing on this blog with the value of Integrity as a theme. By Integrity, I mean an integration of all the things that have been broken, separated and polarised - at great expense to the health of humanity (well, let's just say, at great expence to my health adn wholeness).

One could say this thing about being "open" and "real" is a bit of "hobby-horse" - it's my little soap-box.

And then the other day I remembered an experience from my early childhood. My family were in the car on the way to church, where my parents were quite involved members. My dad was a senior leader... He and I were having an argument in the car which was not resolved when we arrived at the church. He wanted to stop the argument as we got out of the car, but I wanted to carry on arguing - citing "honesty" as my reason... "if we're going to shout at each other in the privacy of our car, why shouldn't we shout at each other in front of fellow church members?"

(by the way, the photo is not me - it's of my dad, Guy Marshall)

I remembered that incident with such vividness, and the effect was to make me ask - has anything really changed? I'm still on about the same old hobby-horse that I was when I was a teenager, 25 years ago!!!

But then I had another thought - is this my Voice? Is this the thing that I'm being asked to say, with my life?

Perhaps for some people this message simply isn't relevant. They are healthy and balanced in the area of Integrity and so they find my dwelling on the topic a little anonying. But perhaps, for people who have struggled with the Dualism that has severed their lives (and all of life) into binary categories of good and evil, right and wrong, light and dark, private and public etc.. - this is the word of encouragement that they need to hear. Perhaps, also, there are faith communities, that need to hear this word. A challenge to wholeness and integrity, where faith and life, religion and politics, secular and sacred... have been dangerously kept apart...

Am I finally realising my humble significance in this life - not to do extraordinarily great things - just to speak (live) the message that I've been asked to speak/live, to embody a value that many of us need to embrace, to bring a gentle challenge in one aspect of life where there is imbalance and unhealth?

am I discovering my Voice? (my dad would say I discovered it far too early...!!!)

what I like about the idea of finding my voice is that it helps me to have a limited, and therefore hopefully a humble view of my significance. the thought also makes me wonder about other people's Voices? People I respect and admire - I wonder if they have discovered their Voice... Perhaps they are speaking, but are yet to stumble on the simple realisation that this is the thing they are called to say...

Have you discovered your Voice? (and, do you feel confidence to speak with it?)

taking a breath

Cate Jenna took her first breath at 28 minutes past midnight - in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Elaine was amazing. She laboured through the contractions with great courage for 6 hours and then gave birth naturally. I am grateful that everything went so well - so well indeed that we were home by 2pm that same day! While one can't say that it was easy, in many ways, the birth went smoothly and Mother and Daughter are healthy and thriving. Giving birth, while a beautifully natural process, is also a potentially dangerous thing with so many painful possibilities... many friends have experienced these dangers. I am grateful!

doek!

my son ruben is teaching me again...

elaine and I shower in the mornings. Ruben is becoming mommy and daddy's little helper... when he hears the water stop he runs into the bathroom shouting "Doek! Doek!" (that's afrikaans for "towel".) He gets the towel off the rail and hands it to us... Cute!

more interesting, i was lying in bed this morning... elaine finished showering and I realised that ruben wasn't around. Without a second thought I asked: "Elaine, can I get you a towel?"

if you ask my partner about what get's me out of bed in the morning, she'll tell you that there's not much... and yet a small little routine of my son managed to move me from my comfort.

we should give some thought to the tension between Performance and Principle - where "performance" refers to the actual practice of an activity and "Principle" refers to the theory or value or motivation that supports the activity.

for a long time, i've been taught (and was fairly convinced) that no real "outer" change can happen without an initial "inner" change of the heart. fair enough. the theory makes sense. you have to get the Principle in place, in order to motivate the Practice.... you have to have your heart touched in order to reach out your hand in kindness... or do you?

ruben's little "doek" routine - and it's infectiousness - suggests that getting into a rhythm of Practice may be more effective than grasping the Principle behind it... maybe we should try getting into a Routine of Kindness and see how that affects our Theory (Principle) - and our Heart, for that matter...